DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN MUSLIM FAMILIES

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN MUSLIM FAMILIES
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Maria came to Islam early, marrying a Muslim man and accepting the religion at 13 years old. She embraced it wholeheartedly, learning from the sisters as she went along. By age nineteen, she became the mother of a much-beloved baby boy. She and her son attended Jumu'ah prayers every Friday.

When the women decided to gather in one another's homes two Saturdays a month, Maria made an effort to come to each meeting. By this time, her son was nearly two years old, and Maria was separated from her husband and living with her non-Muslim mother.

At a retreat, Maria and 15 or so other women talked, laughed, and shared a potluck brunch. They began to discuss the topic of marriage. Maria had a question. She wanted to know how a woman knows when her divorce is final. As the women focused on Maria's question, she told them her horror story of suffering, abuse, being divorced, taken back, divorced again, lied to, and finally stalked by her husband. He told her the divorce was final one day, and the next day that it was not final, and that it was her Islamic duty to obey him in everything.

THE SISTERS WERE SHOCKED. THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN.

According to a survey of the 63 Muslim community workers, leaders, and individuals done in 1993 by the North American Council for Muslim Women, domestic violence (including everything from hitting to incest) against Muslim women and children occurred in ten percent of the population of Muslims. If verbal and psychological abuse were added to this, the figure would rise considerably.

Maria continued to attend the sisters' meetings as the sisters began to focus on the problem of domestic violence in their community. She was not the only victim. The sisters protested to their Imam when they discovered that a community leader involved with their children had used violence against his wife. It became obvious to them that some community education was in order.

AUTHORITARIAN FAMILY STRUCTURES LEAD TO ABUSE AND VIOLENCE

An authoritarian family structure predisposes many Muslims in America to be abused in some way and possibly to become the victims of violence. Generally, husband's dominance's in the family structure, the more likely wife and child abuse become. In the most abusive homes, the father believes and socializes his wife and children to believe that whatever he wants the family to do is the same as what Allah wants them to do. He, in effect, makes himself into something of a god.

The overwhelming majority of immigrant Muslims come from repressive countries where political power is held by officials who secure or maintain their leadership through unethical, un-Islamic, and sometimes brutal means. These tyrannical governments tend to produce extended families and societies where only the man at the top can pronounce what is right or wrong, what is acceptable or unacceptable, and who is good or bad. Muslim American immigrants fleeing oppressive governments may not yet have realized that their own family dynamics are a microcosm of the tyranny and despotism they so actively oppose, and mistakenly think a tyrannical family structure is an Islamic one. The atmosphere in too many of these families is repressive, non-communicative, top-down, and male-dominated, where the leadership title that is worn is primary and which never allows or plans for asking why or how the family functions.

Surprisingly, in the homes of most Muslims, focusing on the rules and desires of the parents almost always takes precedence over any focus on Allah. Most Muslim parents do not give their children any Qur'anic proof behind their opinions, do not allow themselves to be questioned, and do not invite discussion or reflection on ideas even though Allah continuously instructs Muslims to think and to reflect. Parents rarely see the connection between parents (instead of Allah) as the focus of the family structure, and shirk associating partners with Allah.

WHAT, EXACTLY, CONSTITUTES ABUSE OR VIOLENCE?

In order to end domestic violence, we must understand what it is that we are dealing with. The Family Violence Prevention Fund described abuse as "a pattern of purposeful behaviors, directed at achieving compliance from or control over, the victim.". When these escalate to violence, creating "domestic violence," the definition becomes, "a pattern of assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion that adults or adolescents use against their intimate partner."

Most of the control mechanisms used by potential batterers that can escalate to violence are so common among Muslim families that they are not seen as threats to the family's existence; minimizing the victim's complaints, denying the abuse, and blaming the victim, isolating the victim from family and friends, intimidation, so-called "joking" about marrying a second wife, and emotional abuse such as name calling and degrading remarks in the presence of her children or guests. While none of this behavior is consistent with the teachings of the Qur'an or the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad, few parents ever make the mental connection between this behavior and abuse. In fact, many abuse parents will say they are just "maintaining the discipline of the family."

All research proves that children from abuse homes are equally affected permanently whether or not they are victims themselves. Maria continued to be confused about her relationship as she tried to sort out her Islamic duties, what was best for her son, and her own feelings. The Imam pointed out that Islamically she should stay away from her ex-husband, and said that he did not know what she expected from him, since she had not followed his advice.

When an incidence of abuse or violence is reported to someone in the Muslim community, the general response is to avoid "interfering" in family affairs. Some Muslims believe it is the man's Allah-given right to abuse his wife and children in any way he sees fit. Others, like the Imam in Maria's community, recognize the behavior as Islamically unacceptable, but have no training in the areas of domestic violence counseling, and do not know how to intervene effectively and legally. Many Imams, though, blame the situation on the wife.

WHAT IS THE ISLAMIC STANCE ON VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN?

Under no circumstances is violence against women encouraged or allowed. The holy Qur'an contains tens of verses extolling good treatment of women. Several specifically enjoin kindness to women (2:229-237; 4:19; 4:25). These verses make it clear that the relationship between men and women is to be one of kindness, mutual respect, and caring. Some verses, where Allah calls men and women "protecting friends of one another," refer to the mandated atmosphere of mutual kindness and mercy in the marital home (30:21; 9:71). Others show disapproval of oppression or ill treatment of women. Surah 2: 231 condemns taking women back after a separation in order to hurt them; Surah 4:15 specifies taking an oath against a wife rather than doing violence to her if a husband suspects adultery; Surah 4:19 prohibits forced marriages; Surah 4:29 prohibits deliberately causing a wife suspense or insecurity; Surah 5: 92 removes the legal effect from oaths against wives made in anger; and Surah 17:90-91 require the fulfillment of oaths, verbal agreements, and commitments. Even in the case of divorce, spouses are instructed to bring an arbiter from each side of the family to attempt reconciliation (4:35). If this fails, the instruction is to get back together with dignity and fairness, or to part on good terms (2:229 and 231). Anyone who violates the limits set by Allah is labeled a "transgressor" in the Qur'an.

Very important are those verses that give women the right to self-supervision. Surah 5:44 instructs believers to, "Have no fear of people; fear Me." Surah 33:35 promises heaven to men and women who individually guard their chastity (or modesty)."

In the abusive mindset, all of these verses are ignored, and males misquote two specific verses and one hadith to justify complete control of females. The worst interpretations go so far as to assert that a woman is mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually permanently disabled, and is prone to immorality, putting her in constant need of male supervision.

The most abused verse is Surah 4:34 "Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah gave them more to the one than the other, and because they support them from their means. So devout women are extremely careful and attentive in guarding what cannot be seen in that which Allah is extremely careful and attentive in guarding. Concerning women whose rebellious (nushooz) you fear, admonish them, then refuse to share their beds, then hit them; but if they become obedient, no not seem means of annoyance against them. For Allah is Most High, Great." This translation charges men with the task of financially and physically protecting and caring for their wives and families, since Allah has made men physically stronger than women, which is the interpretation of most scholars. Women, in return for that care, should be careful in guarding their fidelity and morality at all times when no one can see them in obedience to Allah. Instructions are then given regarding women who rebelliously ignore Allah's commands about sexual fidelity and become sexually disloyal to their husbands.

The husband is instructed first to admonish his wife (talk to her), and then to refuse to share her bed. Should those measures fail, the last instruction is often translated as "hit her," (or "lightly tap her," when the sunnah of the Prophet is considered). Some translators assert that it is incorrect to translate the word "hit" at all, based on the Prophet's lifelong abhorrence of hitting women, seen in his statement, "Never hit the handmaids of Allah" (found in the hadith collections of Abu Daud, Nasa'l, Ibn Hibban, and Bayhaqi), and in his instructions in his last sermon where he restrict striking to a light tap (ghayr muharrib - without causing pain) only if the wife has become guilty of nushooz, obvious immoral conduct. The term nushooz is applicable to men as well (4:128).

The wording of this verse emphasizes the woman's obedience to Allah's desires, and not to those of another human being, but those who misinterpret this verse would assign men the duty of being eternal surveillance police over their wives. This verse has been so misunderstood that it is not uncommon for husbands to prevent their wives from going to the corner store, to attend births, deaths, or marriages, to see doctors, seek education, or even to visit their parents without express permission. This verse has also been used to underpin the mistaken belief that the qawwama of men as protectors and maintainers of their wives not only implies unquestionable obedience to men as individuals but also that only men may lead women in any aspect of life whatsoever on any level. In short, this verse has been used as a tool of control and abuse completely opposed to the Islamic foundation of marriage and family.

Another misused verse is ayah 53 of Surah 33: "O you who believe, enter not the dwellings of the Prophet for a meal without waiting for the proper time...and when you ask of them (his wives) anything, ask of them from behind a curtain. That is purer for your hearts and their hearts...it is not for you to cause annoyance to the messenger of Allah, nor may you ever marry his wives after him. That in Allah's sight would be an enormity." The verse is obviously directed at Muslim men describing their property conduct only with the wives of the Prophet. It continues, however, to the main reason that some Muslims believe that men and women must be separate in all spaces, and an excuse for some men to claim that all public space belongs to men alone. This is erroneous. The instruction relates only to the wives of the Prophet, and to proper behavior in the Prophet's house. Those who want to apply this verse to all Muslim women never assert that all Muslim women may not marry after the deaths of their husbands (although in practice, that is exactly what is expected of women in some Muslim societies according to their un-Islamic customs). Confining women to the kitchens of their houses during dinner parties, relegating women to back rooms with inadequate or absent audio hookup in most mosques, or worse, banning women from mosques, and bans by political authorities in some countries against women going to school, all come from warped interpretations of the previously mentioned verses.

A hadith often used in the control of women reads: "Women, when they travel a far distance, should have a muhrim with them." At the time of the Prophet, traveling even 40 miles could be very dangerous since roads were full of bandits and law consisted of each tribe's different rules and regulations. Rule of law that crossed tribal boundaries, and was consistent with a new concept in 7th century Arabia introduced by Islam. Today a women can travel halfway across the world by airplane in 19 hours, and remain safely among large groups of people at all times. Yet this hadith continues to be sued, even by a few Muslim leaders in large US cities, to prevent Muslim women from going from one city to another, from one part of the city to another, or from leaving the doorways of their apartments, alone.

The real question is, did the Prophet practice, encourage, or even condone surveillance and control behaviors towards women? He never did. Knowing this, it is up to each individual Muslim, as husband and wife, as extended family member, or as community member, to shape morally, ethically, psychologically, and physically sale and healthy society where families can raise happy and contributing members of society.

Imams must be protectors of women's safety by example, avoid blaming wives, and recognize when they do not have the expertise to truly help women who are battered. Community members should be encouraged to obtain profession training and degrees in counseling. The community is responsible to develop protocols for handling problems of domestic violence, network with existing Muslim and non-Muslim agencies that can provide training or referrals, and set up safe houses for battered women and children.

By Sharifa Alkhateeb

Sharifa Alkhateeb, who founded advocacy groups for Muslim women and explained the ways of Islam to America and the world as a scholar, journalist and educator.

[ LMU NOTE: In an endeavour to generate discussion around issues facing Muslims in today's societies, LMU is embarking on a series of Journalistic and other articles. The purpose of the series is purely to highlight issues and generate discussion and does not necessary reflect views held by LMU ]